driving to s.c in a few hours to go see matt’s mom, who isn’t in the best of shape right now. suddenly the vacation we always wanted is upon us, but it’s not the vacation we had in mind. and it won’t really be a vacation. but, i’m glad to be going to see her. i know she’ll be okay.
i wish these feelings would leave me. i wish this loneliness would subside. there are times that i wonder how much smaller i could even get before disappearing altogether. and, what’s important, is that i don’t think it has anything to do with what you did. you are who you are, and it is the way it is. i just wish i was different. maybe something better. but you have one life to be whoever you are, and the worst part is, i couldn’t change it if i wanted to. And i do, i really do. Most days i feel like a great big old humpty dumpty just waiting to barrel roll down the hill and break something.
i’ll just always be in the background.